The Space Between Selves

Each of us is a self. Currently there are at least billions of selves on this planet. Each of us is condemned to always and forever be only the one we are. I will not become you, you will not become me. We will only ever be one person.

For a long time I’ve been fascinated by the fact that there are selves at all - that the universe has managed to produce beings which have awareness of their environment and of themselves and others as actors within that environment. As far as we can tell this is an extremely rare and unlikely event. Virtually all of the known universe contains non conscious stuff. Clearly we are a very different kind of stuff. Somehow physical interactions within nature have produced an emergent property completely unlike anything else in the universe - consciousness. And with consciousness comes the self.

To be a self is to be split between a public and private part. The components of the private self are those that are inaccessible to everyone else - thoughts, emotions, direct sensory experiences. The components of the public self are those that others can access - body, behaviors, and speech. The song stuck in my head is private, but I can sing it and it is made public. The feeling of anxiety and pit in my stomach is private, my trembling hands and sweaty palms are public.

I’ve come to see how important the relationship between these two parts of the self are to my recovery and overall wellbeing. I find my life to be the most fulfilling, vibrant, and helpful to others when these two parts are in alignment. When what I say does not contradict what I believe, feel or think. When the selves are aligned I have nothing to hide and no reason to perform. For most of my life there was a chasm between my private and public self. What a relief it is to be in recovery and to have nothing hidden. To be able to say what I feel and think and to not have to hide any part of me.

My drinking and drug use was a very private affair, medicine to ease my private fear and pain. I rarely let people in, or communicated what was going on inside me to others. But I felt uneasy and malcontent most of the time. I was afraid of people, of novelty, of new places or experiences. And when I found substances that could alleviate these feelings I kept that private too.

As active addiction progressed my hidden world had to become larger to accommodate my growing shame and regret over what I was becoming and the hurt I was causing. Every addict knows what it is to lead a life based on secrets and deception. It is a kind of hell to remain concealed behind lies performance. Addiction is like a black hole which pulls and warps all aspects of the self. A force that overrides all reason and commitment. And I tried to conceal the control it had over my life.

When I eventually made the decision to go to treatment I had to start telling the truth about who I really was, what I felt and thought, and what I had done. And through this I could feel these two sides of myself - the private and public parts of me - coming together for the first time in a very long time. And I know it is a cliche, but it was as if a great weight was lifted off of me. I felt put together. And I can keep myself put together on a daily basis by remaining aware of what’s transpiring within me and communicating this to the people around me. I do not want to go back to hiding within myself. And for me the road to relapse starts when the space between my private and public self starts to widen again.

The program of recovery is a process of reengineering the self, and a large part of that is bringing the dark hidden parts of ourselves into the light. This can be deeply painful and difficult, but on the other there is a freedom I couldn’t imagine while in the hell of addict addiction.